Only in Hampton Roads

The following email was waiting for me in my inbox this morning and I couldn’t help but LOL. I rarely forward emails, if only because I am aware of how subjective humor is and am reluctant to offend anyone or add to an already burgeoning inbox. Although not endorsing the accuracy of these statements, I am fairly confident that anyone who has lived or driven in Hampton Roads for any amount of time will find something to chuckle about here...

Subject: Only In Tidewater...

For the purposes of this document, we will refer to the area as "Norfolk", pronounced exactly that way by Northerners who settle here. Southerners who settle here pronounce it "Nawfalk" and everyone else calls it Norfick".

The word "Norfolk" actually originated in Southern England, over time as a combination of the words "North" and "Folk", as a way of referring to brethren to the north.

Norfolk is composed entirely of "Roads under Construction". The year-round seasonal weather allows for year-round construction. The only way to get into downtown is to move there. Don't worry about getting out. Those arrangements will be made by your next of kin .

All directions start with "Get on 64..." and somewhere include the phrase "Turn at the 7-Eleven." Most people navigate the area using Interstate 64 because of oddball location naming. The immediate problem here is that, in order to access any western portions of the region, you have to travel I-64 East.

I-64, the largest interstate in the state, has two exits that serve Virginia Beach, the largest city in Virginia. The land mass of the beach area is approximately 1% of the city's total land area.

The city of Portsmouth is not at the port's mouth - that would be Norfolk.

The city of Chesapeake is named for the Chesapeake Bay,15 miles away.

Newport News is not a newspaper. The city is, in fact, served by The Daily Press newspaper, based in Hampton.(Newport News is, in fact, named after Christopher Newport because he would bring the news on his ship from England.)

South Norfolk is in Chesapeake and "Suffolk", an old English combination of 'South" and "Folk" is not south of Norfolk, but rather west.

Hampton Boulevard is in Norfolk and does not go to Hampton.

Northampton Boulevard is not in the north of Hampton. It is 22 miles southeast of Hampton, in Virginia Beach.

Chesapeake Boulevard runs parallel to Hampton Boulevard and does not go to Chesapeake.

There is no Norfolk Boulevard but there is a Norfolk Avenue in Virginia Beach. It does not go to Norfolk.

Atlantic Avenue parallels the Atlantic Ocean. Strangely, so does Pacific Avenue.

Chesapeake Beach, nicknamed "Chic's Beach", is in Virginia Beach. Chicks do not go there. Chics go there, but it's named after a guy, Chic Leddington.

Meanwhile, Ocean View Avenue has no view of the ocean unless you use a high-powered telescope and a crane.

Bayview is too far from the Bay to see it and Riverview has no view of any rivers. Shore Drive has no shore but runs along beside miles and miles of military bases. Military Highway, an apt name for the main thoroughfare of a primarily military area, will not actually take you to any military bases.

The Northwest River is actually in the Southeastern part of the area.

Deep Creek contains no deep creeks. They do have a canal though.

The area of Dam Neck contains no dams. Similarly, Oceana Boulevard does not come near the ocean.

Norfolk Naval Shipyard is in Portsmouth.

One of the largest Coast Guard bases on the east coast is in Portsmouth, 21 miles from the coast.

Hilltop is not on a hill or near a hill. Actually when the area was all fields, prior to 1963, you would have noticed only a slightly higher elevation.

If someone says they are on Princess Anne Road you have to ask them which zip code they're in. The road meanders seemingly at random through many cities. No one is quite sure where it ends - or even IF it ends. Getting lost in this area is no problem. Just keep going and turn wherever you like and you'll soon end up either on or crossing Princess Anne Road.

Everyone in the country lived here once or knew someone who did. You will be hard pressed to find a native of the area. Everyone here is from somewhere else, due mostly to the fact that Norfolk contains the largest naval base in the world.  If you criticize the drivers here, you are really criticizing the drivers of the whole country.

Think about it.

Comments

[Alex Snyder]

Too funny! Speaking of taking names literally, Eddie Murphy did find his queen in Queens!